self-disgust.
that's what I feel when I look back on today, especially when I focus on the Lit Recitation.

Attention Seeking.
Whore.
URGH.

I hate it. I told you before, and I will say it again.
Deep rooted hate.
I HATE my sensitivity.

I don't know why, I don't know how, but somehow, today, I lost control of myself.
My nerves took over, worse than during debate, worse than anything else I had felt. I don't and probably never will understand why I have stage-fright. It never applied in kindergarten, when I was made to do that embarrassing performance and dance during graduation. Yet, I loved every minute of it. 4 hours of performing, by everyone, and I loved every single second.

Skipping around, it was a child's delight.
Applause, it was the music of my soul.

Yet now, I'm fazed by a mere minute of performance of less than 10 lines? How pathetic. It's not typical of me, and I'm not happy by my performance today. It was such a disaster, such an embarrassment. It was everything I didn't want it to be, everything I never thought it would be. Maybe now I know how Janne feels.

Stage fright, and the mind blanks.
The heart pumps, the tears flow.

For gods sake, I'm supposed to be jolly, impromptu, and.. me. I admit, nobody and nothing is perfect. But perfection is what I strive for, for without my dreams, without my goals, I am nothing.

Where, where am I?
Lost, darkness surrounds me.

Thanks to those people who comforted me, for lending me a supporting hand or a shoulder to cry on. Thanks for caring, sometimes I feel that I don't deserve it. But, maybe, through today.. the pain and tears might just be worth it.. Let's see if my eyes swell tomorrow first, then maybe it might not.

Dedications:

Delia, for her unwavering support and comfort. Just for that moment, I believed; and the sky grew brighter.

Grace, for her indignant and firm belief in my apparent non-ability; it changed everything.

Joelle, for her understanding.

Wenyuan, for offering encouragement.

Huifei, for just being there. haha.

Deenie, for her encouraging smile, it lights up the void.

Bernice, for caring.

Sarah, for being concerned.

Simone, for coming out and pulling me up.

And god knows how many more people. Lidan, Yeqi, etc. etc.

Oh, and to the mysterious tissue giver, thanks!

Double thanks to Delia for not caring if I cried on her or not, and for just.. being.. there.
and
Great thanks to Guniang for being the gentle, guniang-ish, caring tablemate.

Know that your support gave me strength! :D

p.s. im screwed for chinese.

p.s.s. on a brighter note.. The Darker Truth Chapter 2 is still here! :D

it sucks to be me'-[xiiao] deathie

Labels: emo