I kind of want to talk about what's been happening recently but I guess I'll refer to it very broadly and vaguely to avoid pointing fingers at some people. Want I really want to talk about is how I feel about the whole situation and what my thoughts about the whole thing is like now.

So basically after the whole thing happened, while still remaining oblivious that it happened, some sort of interaction with the other people happened, and I can safely say that it was a pretty good kind of interaction, or at least for me. I felt invigorated? and kind of regretful to place so many stereotypes and preassumptions and hasty generalisations that some people were basically representative of certain characteristics despite having little or no interaction with them.

Somehow or other, no matter how "motivational speaker" it sounds, its really true. It made me re-inspect how I treat not just the people around me but also the people just lying on the peripheral.

So that's the good part of things.

Now to the not so good parts.

Basically after I first heard about the whole situation, I thought it was a very badly crafted (and belated) april's fools joke. I never believed that anyone would be as immoral and cruel to do such a thing. I mean like, I may be mean and blunt and ambitious, but I don't think anything on that sort of level would have ever crossed my mind. And to put it very bluntly, I really didn't believe it would happen.

But dwelling upon it made me realize how there was the incentive for both parties to do it, and how ultimately it would be difficult for them to be discovered (further incentive), and I seriously began to doubt myself.

Further probing and cross-referencing with other people confirmed it and hearing it from certain people whom I trust to a great extent further embalmed this idea. There's no words (yes it sounds dramatic) to describe how I felt at that point of time.

I felt betrayed (despite not being on close ties with them).
I felt very confused. (again, why would they do it? stupid question right)
I felt like the things I knew that were to be true were no longer true. (imagine being told all your life xxx is this but now it magically no longer is that. Well it's not that extreme, but some of the things I had shed tears over and blamed myself about seemed to have diminished in importance, and to some extent I felt cheated.)

I felt very indignant.

Basically I was thrown into confusion and revengeful. I was hurt, angry, and disappointed.

After (ALOT) of reasoning and such, the disappointment and resentment only served to increase when I realised how legalistic our society is. (kinda, some people at this point of time might point out that this is a generalization etc but that was how i felt) I felt very shocked that some people could stand on the side and refuse to do anything when such a morally repugnant act has been committed. I felt shunned and ignored.

Yeah. It sounds very dramatic, but that was how I felt. And you weren't in my shoes.

At this point of time, I still stand by my stance that we don't deserve it. I still feel morally indignant, angry, and vengeful.

But on a greater scale, I feel disappointed and let down by those people. I somehow or other feel that humanity is very cruel (though those people don't necessarily represent humanity) and that the fact that some people are willing to commit such acts, makes me, to quote a dear friend, "very sad".

I know that it's laughable that such an incident is magnified in my mind to such a "humanity is very cruel" extent, but to me, it's a very personal issue that will affect me and others around me for months to come. It will change our attitudes to other people and make us rethink our actions.

For me, I think I will find it difficult to believe in innocence again. At least for the time being. Especially after rethinking my impressions of them, now it only serves to reaffirm that I was correct, and that some people are just superficial like that.

Labels: breakaway, cheemology, rant, rgdebate, stressed, work