Haha I really don't know what to say anymore.

Contrary to the title, I'm not giving up on the team or what not. I have full faith in them so there :D Clarification haha.

But somehow or other today just makes me realise alot of little things. Like how in JC I won't be able to spend time with the people i fought so hard to spend time with. How most likely I'll end up with certain people I don't like.

Or how I lack some very basic necessities (not food or water, just basic to me) and how everytime I think I've got it right, I always always always lose it. I mean there was (just to name a few examples no one would ever know about) Cherie, Amanda, Ilina?, Tessa, Sarah, Erica, and it is now getting too personal, coughcough.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But I kind of do.

Okay fine. I do. But I've always said it, I don't want to craft myself to fit another. I want it to be a perfect fit at first try. And sometimes it seems to be, for that split second, and then it gets kinda itchy and it forces apart. It's always great. It never lasts long. And this is starting to sound sick for some odd reason. It's amazing how I can think about the fact that it sounds sick, even through my thought bubble.

But I think I'm reaching a point of my life where I've been so focused on this, that I've lost my other chances. I just can't do it all together can I? Oh man. The idea of the future as I see it is supremely bleak and not to my liking.

But then, nothing is.

If you're still following till now and don't get what I'm talking about till now, then I've fulfilled the point of this blogpost.

I don't want to let go, but if I don't, I'm afraid of losing everything.

I probably will anyways.

Life is so meaningless.